How To Win Friends And Influence People Chapter Summary
As a salesman at one indicate in his life, author Dale Carnegie made his sales territory the national leader for the firm he worked for. Carnegie eventually ended his sales career and taught public speaking, earning upward to $500 every week -- the equivalent of $11,800 today. Even Warren Buffet, one of the most successful investors of the 20th century, took Carnegie's form at age 20. Fortunately for us, all the same lessons were packaged into the now famous book,How to Win Friends and Influence People. Simply how do we find time to read and recall all 214 pages? Most of usa don't. The book becomes another item on that backlog of to-dos we never seem to go to. That'southward why we summarized the unabridged book for you. In fact, here is a quick snapshot of all 30 principles. (click to enlarge) To capture the full lessons behind each of Carnegie's principles (which are listed below), jump or scroll down for quick summaries, tweet-worthy quotes, and practise exercises. 1. Fundamental Techniques in Handling People 2. Vi Ways to Make People Like You lot 3. How to Win People To Your Way of Thinking four. Be a Leader: How to Change People The most successful leaders all have one thing in common: They've read How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Principle Overview: Carnegie explains that he in one case attended a dinner party where he met a botanist whom he plant to exist admittedly fascinating. He listened for hours with excitement as the botanist spoke of exotic plants and indoor gardens, until the party ended and everyone left. Earlier leaving, the botanist told the host of the dinner party that Carnegie was a "about interesting conversationalist" and gave him several compliments. Of class, Carnegie had hardly said annihilation at all. What he had done was mind intently. He listened because he was genuinely interested. "And and then I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been only a adept listener and had encouraged him to talk," Carnegie notes. Even the near sick-tempered person, the most violent critic, will often be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener. Accept for example, a store clerk. If the clerk constantly interrupts and irritates customers, those customers are more likely to showtime arguments and bring frustrations and complaints to the store managing director. Just a clerk who is willing to listen could calm even a customer who storms in already angry. Near of u.s. are so concerned with what we are going to say next that we don't truly listen when someone else is speaking. Yet, nigh people would prefer a good listener to a proficient talker.
Carnegie describes a story from a man named Edward Chalif, who was planning to ask the president of one of the largest corporations in America to pay for his son to go on a Boy Scout trip. Earlier Mr. Chalif went to see him, he had heard that this homo had drawn upwardly a bank check for a million dollars, and that after it was canceled, he had had it framed. Upon coming together the human, he mentioned how much he admired the cheque and would honey to see information technology. The human being was thrilled! He talked about the check for some time, until he realized he hadn't asked why Mr. Chalif was there to see him. When Mr. Chalif mentioned his request, the man agreed without any questions and even offered to fund the trip for several other boys also. Mr. Chalif later explained, "If I hadn't establish out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up beginning, I wouldn't have found him one-tenth as piece of cake to approach." Talking in terms of the other person's interests benefits both parties. How often do we notice someone who looks very down, or bored - perhaps someone whose job is very repetitive or someone whose boss doesn't give him or her much recognition? Mayhap information technology's a shop clerk, or the mailman, or our hair dresser. What could nosotros say to that person to cheer them up? We could think of something nigh them that we honestly admire. This might sometimes exist difficult with a stranger, merely we should push ourselves to think of something, and mention it to them. When Carnegie describes having this type of interactions with a stranger, he notes that many people accept asked him what he was trying to get out of the person. His response:
Instead of starting with "You're wrong," what if we were to say, "Well now, I idea otherwise, but I may be incorrect. If I am incorrect, I want to know why. Let's examine the facts." The latter approach becomes disarming, and often causes the other person to be much more reasonable, or even thank us for having an understanding attitude. It also (hopefully) inspires our opponent to exist just equally fair and open-minded as nosotros are. In fact, it'southward really not the ideas themselves that are so important to u.s., just our self-esteem, which is threatened when we are told that we're wrong. Without our egos threatened, we may become very open to exploring new possibilities. Exercise Principle two: Next time you observe yourself becoming frustrated or disagreeing with another person's perspective, terminate yourself from shaking your caput, and adjust how you phrase your opinion: "No, you're wrong." ✓ "Why do you see it that style?" "No, that'southward the wrong way to tackle." ✓ "Why do you think that's the best option to pursue?" You might fifty-fifty enquire the other person for permission to share your perspective on the matter, which readies the other person to listen to your ideas in a less critical mindset. Carnegie tells a story of taking his dog to the park without a muzzle or a leash, and running into a constabulary officeholder who scolded him, as this was against the law. The side by side few times Carnegie took his canis familiaris out, he kept him on a leash, simply the canis familiaris didn't similar it. And so the next time, Carnegie let the dog run gratis. When he ran into that same law officer, he knew he would be in trouble. Instead of waiting for the police force officer to showtime reprimanding him, he spoke up, saying that the officeholder had caught him carmine-handed, he was guilty and had no excuses, that the officeholder had already warned him. The policeman responded in a soft tone, told Carnegie he was overreacting, and that he should take his dog to the other side of the hill where he wouldn't run across him. If we know we're going to be rebuked anyhow, isn't information technology far better to crush the other person to information technology and do it ourselves? Through Carnegie's quick and enthusiastic access of fault, he gave the police officer a feeling of importance. After that, the only way the policeman could attend his self-esteem was to take a forgiving mental attitude and prove mercy.
Business executives have learned that information technology pays to exist friendly to strikers, that they are able to shift the strikers' perspectives and win their loyalty past addressing their needs every bit friends and peers, instead of suppressing their voices and acting as dominants. Practise Principle 4: When you observe yourself about to scold your children, deed every bit a domineering dominate, or nag your husband or wife, try softening your arroyo by opening with a friendly conversation and keeping a calm tone. Enquire how your hubby'southward piece of work presentation went, or ask your employee for her thoughts on your concluding team coming together. Take at least v minutes of pleasant conversation before you bring up the issue at hand. When talking with people, we should never begin with the points on which we disagree. Nosotros should start by emphasizing the things on which we agree, and be sure to convey that we're both striving for the aforementioned effect - our differences are in method, only not purpose. The fundamental is to keep our opponent from maxim "no," equally this is a very hard sentiment to overcome. Every bit soon every bit someone says "no," all of her pride rests upon her being consistent with that "no." When a person says "no," she immediately withdraws herself and guards against acceptance. What we want to practice instead is get the person saying "yes" every bit before long every bit possible. This starts the person moving in the affirmative direction where no withdrawal takes place. Our opponent now has a very accepting, open up attitude. Socrates has go very famous for the "Socratic method," by which 1 asks some other person questions with which they have to hold.
Practice Principle 6: Fight the urge to talk near yourself by learning to exist comfortable with short silences in conversation. We're oft tempted to jump in and talk about ourselves when the other person stops talking, but if we stay placidity and await for them to continue talking, chances are they will have more to say. Life Hack Resources: How To Be A Good Listener That Others Desire To Talk To Don't you experience much more strongly about ideas that you came up with than ideas that are handed to y'all by others? If then, why should we try to jam our ideas downwards other peoples' throats? Isn't it much wiser to brand suggestions and allow the other person retrieve out the determination? No i likes to experience like they're existence told what to do. We much adopt to recall independently, have autonomy, and act on our own ideas. Nosotros like to be consulted nigh what we recall and what we desire. So how can we use this to our advantage? When nosotros're trying to win someone to our way of thinking, nosotros tin guide them there - get them halfway or then - and so step dorsum and permit them see the thought through to completion. Take the example of a human being named Mr. Wesson, who sold sketches for a pattern studio. He failed hundreds of times in getting one of the leading New York stylists to purchase his sketches. I mean solar day, he tried a new approach. He took several incomplete sketches to the stylist and asked how he could finish the designs in such a way that the stylist would find them useful. The stylist offered his ideas, Mr. Wesson had the sketches completed according to the buyer'due south ideas, and they were all accustomed. If we're truly only later on the results, why care nigh the credit? Why non let someone else take the spotlight, so long as nosotros can reach what we're out to go? Practice Principle seven: Allow'south say you're trying to convince your boss to allow y'all have the pb on a new project, or you're trying to close a sale with a new customer. Earlier going into that chat, write out a list of questions that would atomic number 82 your dominate or client to the decision you'd like them to draw. For your boss, information technology might be: For your client, it might exist: I of the fundamental keys to successful man relations is understanding that other people may exist totally wrong, only they don't think they are. Don't condemn them; try to understand them.
If someone feels negatively toward us, once we begin apologizing and sympathizing with their betoken of view, they volition begin apologizing and sympathizing with our point of view. Everyone wants to feel understood and have their troubles and opinions recognized. Apply this to turn hostility into friendliness. Practice Principle 9: Next time yous approach a disagreement with someone, accept a moment to imagine yourself in their shoes. If you were that person: Show the other person that you lot genuinely understand their perspective, past saying things like, "I completely understand why you see it that way," or, "I know information technology would exist helpful for you if ..." People usually have two reasons for doing things -- one that sounds good, and the real one. A person will recognize on his own the real reason he does something. We don't need to point it out. But all of us, existence idealists at heart, like to call back of motives that sound practiced. In order to change people, we must entreatment to the nobler motives. Accept, for example, a landlord who had a tenant that decided he was going to break his lease four months early. The landlord could have handled the situation past pointing to their contract and listing all the consequences that would follow, but he instead had a talk with the tenant and said: "Mr. Doe, I take listened to your story and I all the same don't believe you intend to move. I sized y'all upwards when I first met you as existence a man of your word. Take a few days to recall it over, and if yous however intend to move, I will have your decision as final." The event? The tenant concluded that the just honorable matter to do was to live upwardly to his lease. By appealing to the tenant'south nobler motives, the landlord was able to persuade him successfully. Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. In most cases, people will react favorably if we make them feel that we consider them honest, upright, and fair. Exercise Principle x: When y'all're trying to convince someone to exercise something, starting time by thinking of a few positive traits that that person tries hard to embody (or conversely, would be ashamed to be told he does not have). For example, most people aim to be responsible, fair, wise, and diligent. Piece of work these ideas in when you lot mention to your son that yous know he'southward extremely responsible about his chores, so yous were surprised to see that he didn't make his bed this morn or when you tell your dominate that you respect his fairness when it comes to deciding who deserves a promotion. HBR Resource: Why Wise Leaders Root Themselves in Noble Purpose To exist constructive in convincing someone of our ideas or our argument, it's non enough to simply state a truth. If we truly want someone'due south attention, we accept to nowadays that truth in a bright, interesting, dramatic fashion. Nosotros get downwardly on one knee joint when nosotros propose as an act of dramatization - we're showing that words alone aren't enough to express that feeling. We make games out of chores and so our kids will play along and detect it fun to pick up their toys when they get to brand a pretend train around the playroom. Carnegie tells a story of a salesman who walked into a grocery store, told the owner that he was literally throwing away money on every auction he was making, and threw a scattering of coins on the floor. The sound of the coins dropping got the attention of the owner and made his losses more tangible, and the salesman was able to get an order from him. Exercise Principle 11: Find creative ways to use showmanship in presenting your ideas. When you're designing your next meeting presentation or sales pitch, think of some means to engage other senses or appeal to deeper concerns. Could yous include a funny video in your presentation? Or begin with a dramatic statistic to underscore the importance of your bulletin? HubSpot Resource: 7 Public Speaking Tips From the World's Best Presenters Most people accept an innate desire to accomplish. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of contest - everyone wants to outdo others and be the best. When nothing else works in winning people to your way of thinking, throw down a claiming.
Practise Principle 1: The cardinal is an age-former technique chosen a 'criticism sandwich.' When yous're going to offering negative feedback, start with a compliment. Then segue into the meat and potatoes: the criticism. Finally, and more importantly, office ways with another positive compliment. Equally Jonah Berger, Wharton professor and New York Times best-selling writer, puts information technology, "Information technology's amazing what a little positive at the showtime and end can do." Nearly of usa respond bitterly to direct criticism. When we're looking to alter people without offending them or arousing resentment, simply irresolute one three-letter word can be our key to success. Many people brainstorm their criticism with sincere praise followed past the discussion "but" and their disquisitional statement. For instance, a parent trying to convince her son to care more well-nigh his school work might say, "We're really proud of y'all, Billy, for getting ameliorate grades this semester.Just if y'all had worked harder in your math class, yous would've done even better." In this instance, Billy might experience encouraged right upward until he hears the discussion "but," which leads him to question the sincerity of the initial praise. The word "but" makes it seem similar the praise was just a contrived lead-in to his mother's criticism. However, this state of affairs could easily exist reversed by changing the word "but" to "and." See how different it sounds: "We're actually proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester, and if you lot keep your efforts next semester, your math course tin be up with all the others." Now information technology'due south much easier for Billy to accept the praise, because in that location was no follow-up with directly criticism. The next step to changing people'south ways without inflicting negative feelings is to admit that we are also susceptible to mistakes. It is much easier to listen to a description of our ain faults when the person criticizing begins past humbly proverb that he is also far from perfect. Carnegie gives an case of hiring his niece, Josephine, to exist his secretary. Josephine made many mistakes on the job, and though Carnegie was tempted to criticize her for her flaws, he took a step back and realized that he is twice every bit quondam as Josephine and has 10 thousand times her business concern experience. How could he mayhap expect her to accept his aforementioned viewpoint and judgment? He realized that Josephine was performing better than he had been at her age. When he approached Josephine, he told her that she had made a fault simply goodness knows it was no worse than many that he himself had made. He noted that she was not born with judgment, that it comes but with experience, and that he had washed many stupid things himself. "Only don't you think information technology would have been wiser if you had washed so and so?" he concluded.
Carnegie offers an example of an accountant whose business was generally seasonal. Equally a result, every twelvemonth he had to let a lot of employees go in one case the tax rush was over. He began by sitting each down and explaining, "Of course, you understood you were only employed for the busy flavour…" but naturally, he was met with disappointment. He then decided to brainstorm the chat past instead telling each employee how valuable he or she had been to the organization, and pointing out specific qualities that he appreciated in them. The outcome? The employees walked away knowing that if the business organization had been able to keep them on, they would have, and they felt much better about themselves. We are so quick to criticize that nosotros seldom offer others the opportunity to relieve face up, particularly when a considerate word or two and a genuine understanding of the other person'southward attitude is all information technology would take to alleviate the sting. Exercise Principle 5: When you have to evangelize a decision or information that will cause negative feelings, recollect well-nigh how y'all tin brand the person feel good about himself kickoff. Avoid delivering negative feedback in front of others or setting up a situation that will be embarrassing for the person. Think to yourself, "If I were him, how would I like to hear this news?" and pattern your environment and your approach accordingly. Take a brief look back on your own life to this point. Tin can you call back of a time when a few words of praise have had a paw in shaping the person you've become? One of the most powerful abilities we have is helping others realize their potential. We tin can do this past praising their strengths. Yet, this is something nosotros do and so infrequently. Information technology'south much easier to point out someone's faults. Even when it's tough to notice things to praise, endeavour hard to find something. We should as well praise often. By noting even modest steps and minor improvements, we encourage the other person to keep improving.
Carnegie offers an instance of a mechanic named Neb whose work had become unsatisfactory. Instead of berating or threatening Bill, his manager simply called Neb into his office and told him: "You are a fine mechanic, you lot have been in the business for many years, and nosotros've had a number of compliments on the proficient work you accept washed. But lately, your work has not been upward to your own old standards, and I thought you'd desire to know since you've been such an outstanding mechanic in the past." The result? Bill once once more became a fast and thorough mechanic. With the reputation his manager had given him to alive up to, how could he not? Exercise Principle seven: When y'all're trying to alter someone's heed, give them a reputation to alive upward to past saying something similar: "I respect the fact that you're ever willing to heed and are big plenty to change your heed when the facts warrant a change." Entreatment to their nobler motives of responsibility, fairness, openness, diligence, etc. If we tell our children, spouses, or employees that they are stupid or bad at a sure thing, have no gift for it, and are doing it all wrong, nosotros strip them of whatever motivation to improve. If instead, nosotros use the contrary technique and openly encourage them every bit they accept steps toward improvement, we'll inspire a much higher level of motivation to continue.
Carnegie offers an case of a boy who was struggling with algebra. His father fabricated flashcards for him, and every nighttime his father would time him on how long it took for him to go all of the cards right. Their goal was to practice it in under eight minutes. The commencement night, it took 52 minutes. The male child idea he'd never become there! But every fourth dimension he knocked off a few minutes - 48, and then 45, 44, 41 - they would call in his mother and the three would celebrate and dance a little jig. This gave the boy the motivation to keep improving, and fifty-fifty made it fun, until he got and then good that he hitting his goal and did information technology in eight minutes. Do Principle 8: Rather than only telling someone they're goal is out of reach, find ways to encourage small victories when possible. These smaller compliments tin can help brand room for sharing guidance while keeping them inspired. Whether these pocket-size victories come in the grade of eating reese's pieces every fourth dimension a work task is complete or dancing a jig when your vocal gets a math, recognizing progress can go a long fashion. The terminal primal to being a leader and changing people without arousing resentment is to brand the person happy nigh doing what we desire them to practice. If you're having a difficult fourth dimension convincing your child to do a chore, offer to pay her a dollar for every time she does it, and accept away a dollar for every time she doesn't. If you lot choose another internal candidate for the job, tell the one who didn't get the chore that you felt he was as well important to the organisation in his current function to reassign him. If you have an employee who struggles with a certain job, appoint her to be the supervisor for that task, and lookout as she improves immediately. Offering incentives, praise, and potency are all great ways to make a person happily take our decisions and practise what we want them to practice. Practice Principle 9: To be an effective leader, keep these guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior: 1. Be sincere. Don't promise anything you can't deliver. 2. Know exactly what you want the other person to practice. 3. Be empathetic. Inquire yourself what information technology is the other person actually wants. iv. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest. 5. Friction match those benefits to the person'southward wants. vi. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will do good. It is naive to remember that by implementing these techniques, we'll always get the outcome we desire. Just the experience of most people shows that we are more likely to change attitudes with these approaches than by not using these principles. Even if nosotros increase our success past a mere 10%, nosotros have go 10% more effective every bit leaders than nosotros were before. With exercise, it volition get even more natural to apply these principles every twenty-four hour period, and soon we will exist masters of the art of human relations.
Source: https://www.hubspot.com/sales/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-summary
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